By admin 
“After years of sobriety she [or he] still won’t forgive or forget! What can I do? I’m so tired of being the bad-guy!“
I’ve often heard this from people in recovery. They believe they’re doing “everything right.” They’ve made their amends and walked on eggshells and given in to their loved one time and again to make up for what all happened before. But it S T I L L doesn’t seem to be enough. That elephant in the living room is still there, only this time, it’s purple.
So why is it so hard to get their forgiveness and the sense that “it” is really in the past?
This post attempts to answer your question,
Why Is It That After Years of Sobriety She/He Won’t Forgive or Forget
Here are three key reasons:
The first is recognizing there is NO WAY you’ll ever be able to fully understand what it was like to deal with your behaviors – the things you said and did, the lies you told, the words you sliced and diced, perhaps the DUI or two you got and put your family through, the insane circular arguments, the emotional / verbal / physical abuse, the on and off parenting, perhaps there was infidelity, the wasted money, the lost friendships, the lost hours and endless worry about where you were, if you were coming home, what kind of shape you’d be in when you did, the shame. In other words, all the things you said and did or didn’t do while you were active in your severe substance use disorder, aka alcoholism or addition.
The second is that your loved one still does NOT understand the brain disease of severe substance use disorder, aka alcoholism or addition. Without this understanding, it’s about impossible to believe it wasn’t really you but rather the brain changes caused by the ethyl alcohol chemicals chemically and structurally changing your brain (in the case of alcohol). These changes made your brain more vulnerable to the key risks factors for developing alcoholism (genetics, social environment, childhood trauma, mental illness and early use). And it wasn’t just the risk factors, it was the brain mapping around the characteristics of this particular brain disease (cravings, tolerance, physical dependence and loss of control). Without this understanding, it’s about impossible to understand that as long as you used ANY amount, you would continue those awful behaviors that your brain had mapped when active in its severe alcohol use disorder. [These same concepts apply to other drugs and severe drug use disorders.]
The third is that your loved one has likely not gotten the help they need to heal their own brains – their own physical and emotional health – of the impacts of secondhand drinking | secondhand drugging-related toxic stress. Secondhand drinking refers to the negative impacts of your drinking. [Similar concepts apply to other or other drug use behaviors.] The kind of help that allows them to truly let go of their resentments and hurt feelings, to truly know and believe in their heart of hearts that you are the person you are – the person in recovery – the person who has every intention and the absolute capability to live a “normal” life and not hurt you in that way, again.
Until a person understands the disease, they can only assume the person who is abusing drugs or alcohol does not have the willpower, the love for their family members, the integrity or the whatever else they consider to be the underlying reason for their loved one not changing. Thus they have no reason to trust your recovery because it makes no sense you didn’t do this “recovery thing” long before things got so bad.
But, there are…
2 Additional Reasons Loved Ones Can’t Forgive After Years of Sobriety
The first is that you have stopped drinking but are not fully treating your disease. You may be sober in the sense you’re not drinking (or using other drugs), but you have not treated/dealt with the reasons you drank or used in the first place. So in essence, you may be behaving in much the same way – just without alcohol / drug. What are these reasons? Untreated childhood trauma, mental health disorders (anxiety, depression…) and your brain mapping around toxic stress as a result of trauma, to name a few. For example, a 12 step program does not treat trauma nor mental health disorders. To better understand what it takes to fully treat substance use disorders, check out NIDA’s Principles of Effective Treatment. Check out my article, Pay Particular Attention to Mental Illness and Childhood Trauma When Treating Addiction.
The second is that it may not be “just” the drinking. There may have been other behaviors unrelated to drinking that have not been addressed or changed and are unsafe or unhealthy for your loved one or your children to live or have a relationship with.
What Can Be Done – How Can She/He Get to the Place of Forgiveness and Letting Go
Given there is no way to provide the depth of coverage an answer to this complex question deserves, I’ve highlighted a few things that ALL concerned can do to come to a place of forgiveness and letting go:
Understand the disease of severe substance use disorder: how it’s developed, the key risk factors, its characteristics and the crippling stigma and shame that surrounds it.- Understand what it takes to effectively treat it and that recovery is real and 100% possible thanks to the brain’s incredible capacity to heal, to rewire, to create new brain maps of thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
- Understand Secondhand Drinking | Secondhand Drugging – what happened to your family members and friends while coping with your drinking or other drug use behaviors. Understand exactly what your loved ones have been through — their experiences; their lost years as they tried to forgive, help, keep things going, suffer in isolation and shame; the very real, serious toll on their physical and emotional health and quality of life (see image to right).
And I URGE you and your loved ones to read my latest book, “10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much.” (It’s equally applicable to those whose loved one’s behaviors change when they use other drugs, as well.)
This is NOT about selling books. It’s about sharing the research and insights I’ve gathered this past 18 years from my deep-dive delve into the science of ALL that I’ve shared in this post. A dive that started when a loved one entered a residential treatment program for alcoholism. It was the year of my 50th birthday and the year I finally started my secondhand drinking recovery journey after four decades of coping with various loved ones’ alcohol use disorders.
The first half explains alcohol use disorders (drinking problems) – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink,” but in the case of alcoholism, it must be total abstinence from alcohol, yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place (e.g., trauma, anxiety, depression, social environment…). The second half explains what happens to family members and friends and what they can do to help their loved ones, and as importantly, what they can do to take back control of their physical and emotional health and the quality of their lives regardless of their loved one’s drinking or recovery. The book comes in both paperback and Kindle (which can be read on an iPad or other eReader device). With the Kindle format, you’re able to get it immediately, which may be helpful for right now, and it allows you to read it without anyone knowing, which may also be helpful.
Lastly, Consider a Different Take on “Forgiveness”
For myself (on the family side) and one of my loved ones (on the severe alcohol use disorder side), “forgiveness” was not about excusing what happened. It was about “letting go” of there being a different outcome possible. It was accepting that both of us were doing the best we could with what we knew at the time. And that was a big, fat zero. We just didn’t know how to do any of it differently until we understood the science behind the reasons I’ve shared above.
Bottom Line
No one sets out to develop the disease of severe alcohol or other drug use disorder and no one sets out to cope with it in unhealthy ways. So this post is all about gaining understanding, and from that place, finding oneself able to move to the place of forgiving and forgetting if possible.
Please know I offer free phone calls to answer questions people may have. There is no charge. If you’d like to schedule a call, please send me an email to lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com.
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Note: This post was originally published under the same title on March 25, 2015. It was revised 2021 and 2022. Some of the comments are from the earlier version.
Lisa Frederiksen is the author of hundreds of articles and 12 books, including her latest, “10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much,” and “Loved One In Treatment? Now What!” She is a national keynote speaker with over 30 years speaking experience, consultant and founder of BreakingTheCycles.com. Lisa has spent the last 19+ years studying and simplifying breakthrough research on the brain, substance use and other mental health disorders, secondhand drinking, toxic stress, trauma/ACEs and related topics.